Why I decided to do medicine

On a tangent, I've never been reccommended to be a clinical physician. Rather, people usually stop me. For a female medic student, this doesn't happen very often, and I often find people losing their smiles at this.

Now, thinking about my own wish, I don't mind being a physician who cares for patients, but I don't care for anything else but university hospitals. Rather say, clinical researcher.

Pediatrician? Nope. (I pity those children who would be my patients anyway.)

To think about it, I think it's clear that I shouldn't be that kind of a doctor. I like to be backstage but I don't like to be in the front. I don't like dealing with people. I find it tiresome to constantly watch for people's expressions and cater to their happiness. For someone like me who likes to do things alone, clinical medicine just isn't the thing.

What about research? Let's see. I like to do things alone. I like to control things in the back. I'd love to leave a legacy behind. Besides, it is practical and I get to feel good about myself if I could leave a substancial research and saved five million people at once instead of just one.

Simply put, I'm not feminine. For me who likes power, being the center of envy, and fame, I'd rather leave my name in a thesis after research than treating hundreds of patients and ending my life in a hospital as "just another doctor". I guess I want to be the brain rather than the hand. I know it's not lovable, and if I were a male I'd probably run away from such a girl.

Ethically speaking, I don't think I'm clinically inclined anyway. Most likely I'd see the patient as a guinea pig for a new set of data rather than poor human beings who are in desparate need of help. I can't slice people up if I were looking at them as humans in the first place.

Completely off topic, I saw my friend leave for her university today. She's going to a Mormon school in Utah. For me, who had always left people behind, the experience of being left behind was rather novel. I've been friends with her since I was nine; that makes it eight years of friendship. When I think about it, we've been friends since we were little girls. That made feel a little odd.